The Butterfly Wings

I’ve been working on this blog for a while now. Originally, it was a blog born out of desperation. Although I was sure I was making all the right decisions, my life seemed to be heading down that dark highway we see at the end of “Terminator 2”. So it was a case of shine a flashlight or get eaten by the monsters. I am glad to report that the monsters have moved under the bed, where they belong.

You’ve probably heard the saying that if a butterfly beats its wings on one side of the world, it causes a hurricane on the other. I like this saying because I do believe in a connectedness of things. In a way, what is going on now is a result of Louie’s death a year and a half ago. Even before that, when he’d become sick, I lived more at home than at the Lily Pad. The decision to give up the pad arrived when I finally found myself fed up with my job situation, yet unable to find another one. My reintegration into German society seemed doomed. So, for six months I muddled along, frustrated, often angry, yearning to turn my life around and be the person I remembered myself being long before.

It’s not an easy decision to make, even if you do have a backup plan. When you give up your job like I did, you have to admit to yourself that you made a mistake thinking you could make something out of a career option that rubs you the wrong way all the way. Honestly, I’m not a nerd. I’m not a geek. I don’t give a shit about smartphones, processing power, useless apps and the latest R&D. I despise programming. I loathe idiots. You can see where hell desk and I were not a good match from the start. And yet… I invested a LOT of time, money, energy and ambition into this. Like I said, the realization wasn’t easy. Leaving was.

Recently, my guy asked me if after seven months of blissful freedom I miss work. The only answer I can give is: not one bit. I’m not looking back with regret. In fact, I’m not looking back. But threads have been woven that turn out to have connections to my new life: for example, my friend Claudia from the old job has a friend Nicole who turns out to have gone to the same gastronomy school as my friend Anke, whom I know via our dogs. Anke, in turn, works for a company who provides research to a law firm where another one of our friends works – someone whom I would never have met if I hadn’t moved here and started doing the early rounds with the boys.

It is true what they about dogs, by the way. Due to the fact that my two are very friendly and sociable, we’ve made a lot of new acquaintances and even some good new friends with dogs. We’re also becoming quite the international bunch, as it turned out during the barbecue on Saturday. Our circle now includes French, Persian, South African, Russian and Croatian friends, besides the usual Germans and Americans. This is the kind of environment I really thrive in; lots of input from different people with different experiences.

Thin strands of interwoven fabric appear on a smaller scale, as well: if my guy hadn’t rented “The Hurt Locker” (which I didn’t really want to see), the whole Renner thing wouldn’t have started. Because it did, I ended up re-watching some films I hadn’t seen in a while. And because of “North Country”, I decided to read the book that led to the movie, which is actually a fascinating account of women’s rights in recent US history.

I’m beginning to enjoy the historical mysteries of my own country, as well. When Anke and I went to the Krimiwoche back in February, two authors really stuck with me: Christine Lehmann, whose stories have provided insight into the Swabian psyche -something probably only a write from “abroad” could pull off like this- and Wolfgang Schorlau. Schorlau’s novels are based on real incidents, which makes them all the more fascinating. His conspiracies and half-buried skeletons are actually filling in a lot of the blanks left from the somewhat less insightful Social Sciences in high school.

The subtitle of my blog is Change is inevitable – make it good. I’m starting to think that I’m succeeding rather nicely. 🙂


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