If I Were Dennis Miller

If I were Dennis Miller, then writing a rant would be a funny thing. He has such acerbic wit. Adam Sandler would be ok. He’d turn the rant into something goofy. At the end, you’d be left wondering why you were all pissed off to begin with. But really, the best thing would be to have Dave Barry write a rant, because then it would turn out truly bizarre to the point where I’d “swear I’m not making this up.” Sadly, I’m just me. And I’m simply mad and not feeling one damn bit humorous.

Today, I was having a good morning until I got to my place of employment. I work for an organization which stresses its safety greatly. By this, they mean regularly harassing regular people who come to this drab and dreary and entirely unimportant and uninteresting place to sit off their nine hours in their offices and then go home. Nobody on this installation is anyone of any importance. If they closed us tomorrow, hardly anyone would ever know.

But obviously, we’re all being watched. Paranoia is becoming part of our genetic makeup these days. Some have it in their blood more than others. Sadly, one of these somes rules this roost. And because this one overinflated ego apparently lives in fear of everyone, our security folks do more vehicle inspections than at any other place I have ever lived. Seriously, I have lived near many companies that carried a lot more weight than this place. At some of those locations, I lived for years. Yet, the number of times my car, roughly the size of a large bathtub, has gotten inspected more often here than in all the years I lived in, let’s say, Maryland!

My driver’s license, which was issued in 2005, has become nearly unreadable due to the fact that I keep having to pull it out of my wallet. On the other hand, since I spend so much time being scrutinized, I have had the opportunity to observe a few things: more than 90% of inspectees are female. One might say, this merely reflects the constitution of the local workforce. However, I’ve also seen this: two cars in each of the check-in lanes, the first two were male, the second row had one man, one woman. Who got pulled into the bay? Yup, you know it.

Secondly, for the longest time they would target host nation vehicles. It is getting more difficult, but whenever possible, they still do. So, if you’re a carpenter or a mover or a bricklayer or just the garbage collector, I will see you in the bay, no matter how many weeks you’ve come here to work. They do mix things up a bit when the guards get too bored. Apparently, yesterday was “white car” day. A colleague of mine got pulled over three times as part of this brilliant scheme. One guy blatantly admitted that he chose my wheeled bathtub because I have an out-of-town license plate. At least they’re not profiling. We all know how wrong that would be.

Crap like that makes me mad. So, I’ve decided that this is the year when I win the lottery. Then, I’ll quit this job and never come back here again. I’m not making this up!


One thought on “If I Were Dennis Miller

  1. You better play the lottery AND look for another job, which might actually yield some results. Sorry your Friday started off so poorly.

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