Full Speed Ahead with the Brakes On

Over all, I can’t complain about today. It’s been interesting, my usual cautious way of expressing a certain hesitancy about events. P. came with me to the Bürgeramt, Frau Huber was very friendly and gave me a dead tree’s worth of paper to fill out and look through. She also pointed out that since I’m living in separation from my husband, I need to get an Aufenthaltsgenehmigung to legally stay in Germany. Interesting! However, getting that done would cover me for the work permit, which then takes care of a huge obstacle: that of unemployment. So, I have more numbers to call and appointments to make. And to ponder the second, third, and fourth thoughts I’m having.

No, I cannot have my cake and eat it too. We’re definitely not in Kansas anymore, and now, life really is getting serious. But I find myself looking at this little red-headed pioneer waving her flag at the world in defiance and wonder if that can really be me. Maybe it’s my mini-me, revolting against perceived constraints. I don’t know. What I do know is that this must be the reason why people ask the same question of others over and over: am I doing the right thing? And if not, what should I be doing differently?

I know very well what I am giving up by staying on this road. I know that I’m not kidding when I say I don’t believe I will ever be so in love anymore or be with a man who will be this good to me. I also know that I don’t see myself in the US in the near future or for any real length of time. I know that I’m doing things and learning things that would cause resentment in me if I could not utilize them, like learning French or Romanian. I know that in my mind, Europe offers many more opportunities to follow my urge to travel and do cultural things than I could in the States. And yet, as I always say, in the end, there is no better. There is only different.

It’s difficult because there is nobody who says, yes, this is what you should do, or no, this isn’t right for you. I don’t expect sudden enlightenment. I am only writing it as I see it. 

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One thought on “Full Speed Ahead with the Brakes On

  1. Yep, it’s tough making the grownup decisions on your own. The good thing, if you want to look at it that way, is you can only thank or blame yourself for whatever happens. At least you only have to think of your own needs versus a family’s. Welcome to the world I’ve lived in for the past 18 years. For the first time in that span of years, I feel comfortable knowing that I am doing exactly the right thing for all around me.

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